Lonely weekends

So it was another depressing weekend. As on the last 3 weekends, I did not once step out of my house. Spent the entire two days without even opening my main door.

Yes, I did go out to Club Kali (the Asian LGBT club) on Friday night though. As expected, did not speak to anyone, save one guy who had floored me by his straightness and innocence. He turned out to be Iranian, studying at Oxford and was there with some of his friends. Being the dumb and foolish me, I neither asked him for a drink/dance, nor did I take his number. Just had a quick 2 min chat and then returned to being my aloof-self. Just sat in one corner and enjoyed the desi music.

Saturday and Sunday were bad as usual. On Saturday, woke up at 1pm, sat in front of the laptop for a couple of hours and then went to sleep again at 4pm. Slept for 5hrs and then had nothing to do all night. Called up sis at night and had a good 50mins talk.

So sis, who is in Melbourne, has a very good friend, Madan, who is gay. Madan's nephew recently came to Melbourne to pursue his studies over there. He stays with Madan and obviously, does not know that Madan is gay. Imagine! The entire city (by that, I mean all of Madan's friends and acquaintances) know that he is gay except this one guy. And Madan has told all his friends to keep it that ways and that his nephew shouldn't come to know under any circumstances. This was the conversation that followed :


Me : Why doesn't Madan tell his nephew?

Sis : Are you crazy??!!!

Me : But he would have to tell his folks one day, right?

Sis : No Way!!! His parents would never accept something like this. They are very old-fashioned in their thinking

Me : Don't they pressurize him for marriage?

Sis : Yes, they do. But then he goes back only once a year. How much can you force a person in that one short trip that he makes.

Me : But then his nephew is staying with him. He would definitely get to know one day.

Sis : Yes, probably one day. But till then, Madan doesn't want to tell him. He himself says that it would be the worst thing to happen to his family and that he really wishes none of his nieces or nephews turns out to be gay.

Me (almost choking) : Why?

Sis : Cos it is too much trouble yaar. It is such a difficult life to lead, it is just not easy. Not on the guy, not on his family.

Me (thinking that he has to change the subject now before he breaks down): Hmmm....aur bolo...

and the conversation changed to another subject.


I was inches away from telling her that her brother is also gay. But then, it would have been too much for her, considering what she has been through lately in her personal life.

I guess I need to tell my sis this time I go to India. The longer I delay, the more furious she will be when I finally come out to her one day. She tells me everything, and knows nothing about me.

To her, like to my family and to the rest of the world, Rebel is a winner. A bright, intelligent, confident, humorous guy who has achieved a lot in life and has everything going for him. Little does she know that Rebel is everything but those things.

He is a loser, a nervous wreck, a guy with the lowest self esteem among all the people he has met, an ugly, balding, maniacally and perpetually depressed guy. A guy who couldn't stop smiling some years back, but now finds it monumentally hard to flex his cheek muscles to smile even for a couple of seconds at a stretch. A guy who has forgotten how to have a hearty laugh. A guy who makes things worse for himself by being a masochist. A guy who feels out of place wherever he goes - feels too straight in the company of gays and too gay in the company of straight people. A recluse with no evident passion in life, someone who is living each day as if it were another of life's burden weighing on him, a guy who has nothing to look forward to in a new day.

The confident, amiable front, that I used to put up as easily as if it were a cake-walk till some years back, is no longer that easy to uphold. It has become a huge effort now.

So much has changed in the last 2-3 years. So much!! There is an unfathomable difference between what I used to be, and what I have become.

Anyway, the conclusion is that I am going to tell my sister this Jan. My only fear is that after knowing about me, she would refuse to get married herself, thinking that if her brother would be single and lonely all his life, so should she.

(I have deactivated comments on this post for obvious reasons. I guess this is just a phase and it would pass. And please, I would appreciate if those who know me personally do not ever mention what I have written in this post ever in any of the conversations we have. I would be forced to start a new and completely anonymous blog if that happens.)