All those feelings and emotions are back again. The final year in engineering, the second year in b-school, the depression, the crankiness, the endless crying curled up in the duvet, the cursing of God, the cursing of my own life. Everything is back.
I don't think I love him. How can I?! I have never met him, never spoken to him on the phone, seen just one pic. It is all too less to really make me fall for someone. I don't think I love him. He is too good looking for that. I don't think I love him. He wants to get married and have kids, after all. I don't think I love him. I am too much of an egoist to love someone. Yet, what is it about this person that makes me walk down those roads of depression once again?
I hate to acknowledge the fact that I actually cried for him. He cannot be that important. He shouldn't be that important. He just pops up on my yahoo every evening, fucks with my mind, and disappears. And every evening, he leaves me frozen, yearning for more. It is certainly not love, it is something weird, something I can't fully place my finger on.
Probably I could relate to him at certain levels. The depression, the low self esteem, the high ego, the suicidal tendencies, the reclusiveness, the dysfunctional family, the repulsion for seeking help, the inability to acknowledge that we have problems and we actually DO need help. Then there are levels at which we are so different. He wants to get married and have a family. My book of principles would never allow me to marry. He wants to have a long life. For me, thirty is a viable-diable age. He is working towards regaining his sanity and sorting out his life. I am trying my best to make my life more fucked-up than it already is. He has faith. I don't. He is an optimist. That word doesn't exist in my dictionary.
Yet, this guy is weird. He creeps me out. He leaves me panting and aching and craving for more. But I know the end of all this. I have seen it before, have experienced it before. Hatred is silently lurking around the corner, ready to crush any feelings of longing I have for him. It will trample everything, and I would hate him for having made me yearn for someone again. That will be the end of it. It would be tougher on me than on him, just like previous times. But such is my mind, and such are the ways in which it functions. And such is my life, forever looking for a deeper abyss to fall into....
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6 comments:
Heylove should bring a smile not despair,so what if it is not reciprocated or fulfilled..love in itself is so beautiful,why not love for love's sake.
and if he wants to have a family,why not? be happy for him? you are in India na? why are you feeling so sad? its your sister's marriage time and time to rejoice
At times like this, I wonder, why is the toad in your profile pic still smiling :)
Cheer up Reb, Have a beer and dance to the Bhangra on your sis's wedding !
oh just leave him. there are so many in this world and i feel you deserve someone much better :) and above all what are friends for? come out of it reb.
I disagree. I'm wondering if the problem is with him or you.
When you say he wants to get married, you mean to another guy or a woman?
Anyhow, he's very very young, he'll learn and become more realistic.
You're not as young and you still have so much to learn.
Stop pushing people out of your life because of your issues (and not theirs).
If you have to get hurt, why not give this a shot and accept whatever happens later, instead of subjecting yourself (and him) through it now itself?
@Renu - It wasn't love. I guess it was a one-day thing. I am SO over it now. Phew! Leaving for India on Friday. :)
@Rakesh - Haha, I am usually smiling only, just like the frog. And Bhangra??!! noooooo!!!
@Swathi - Have already come out of it. Thanks. :)
@USP - You are talking about a different person here. Anyhow, I am over it now. Thanks nevertheless.
wish u the best ! enjoy the wedding and if your travel plans include chennai..let me know:)
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