Breathing space

So I have my space back again - where I can vent out my frustrations, my disillusionments, my disappoints (with myself and with my life).

As always, a lot has happened since I last wrote here. I met Ankit when I went to Delhi this time, and things have been working out for the two of us. The thing to see is how long do they last.

As expected, had huge fights with mom and dad in Delhi. Not quite surprisingly, they think this is a western concept and that I have fallen into bad company. They feel it is just a mental blockade and that I have to work towards getting rid of it. I do not blame them. I myself have no idea what it is.

On the other side, work is horrible. Am completely disillusioned with life at the moment. My confidence levels have hit rock bottom. Losing hair, increasing love handles, uglier-by-the-minute face, flailing memory, inability to meet targets at work, being in a sales role yet not interacting with people and not knowing what goes on in office, being a total recluse - so many factors. I have started feeling I am a very mediocre guy, who can never ever rise above mediocrity. People expect a lot from me, and I have started failing their expectations time and again. I see people who were not as capable as me whiz by me, leaving me way behind. I see people move up, while I keep falling down. I see the fire in their bellies, which makes me itch with envy. Adds to my disappointments with myself.

I meet lots of people who go gaga as soon as they hear the words IIMA and IITD. What they have no idea about is that this guy probably never deserved to be in those places in the first place. Probably those who came via the reservation route are much more capable than I am. I try hard, but I am not able to point out one thing I am really good at. And that sucks. That really sucks.

I think they call it chronic depression. I have pondered over seeking help a number of times. Pondered over whether I should take anti-depressants. Maybe I just like being depressed and like thinking about death. If I actually like it, would therapy work? Would those anti-depressants work? Then there is the guilt of screwing up my own life and not caring even a bit about my parents - who brought me up with so much pain and struggle. I feel I am letting them down every moment of my life. I am letting myself down every moment of my life.

How do I help it though? I wish I knew the answer. I wish I knew any answer.